He Is Not My Legacy

“A child is not a legacy. It is a life... and it is an individual life. It has to be what it has to be.”

— Sadhguru

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Hearing the words above was a game changer. They resonate with me to this day. It’s a pretty straightforward statement yet it carries so much weight for me. That can be attributed to perfect timing, since the first time I heard it was about a month or two before Elliot was born.

In those days I was doing a lot of thinking about what kind of father I wanted to be. What kind of lessons and values I wanted to pass onto my children. I think we all have a vision, and if we’re honest, even a mild expectation of who we want our kids to be. It’s easy to fall into that and consider their character and ethics as reflections of our own. Their wins as ours and their losses too…. and we don’t like to lose.

Both my visions & expectations were laid to rest once I heard the quote above. It’s true… though we created this human, they are not us and they owe us nothing. I am my own man and one day he will be too. It’s pretty freeing, actually.

We’re just here to ride the wave. You don’t get to decide where it takes you… you only get to decide whether you relax and enjoy the ride.

Here is the link to video.. the gold starts at 13:30. However, I encourage you to listen to the entire thing.. it’s really good.

Why I said no

About a year ago I found myself where, unfortunately, a lot of us do..

I was a slave to the man. Working 70hrs a week at my day job & another 20-30hrs at my screen printing side gig. I was unhappy & unfulfilled. The worst part? I knew better.

I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed, and best/worst of all.. I knew how to get it. It was easy, too easy.. just say no. No to all things that don’t move the needle in any of my big 3: Growth / Value / Fulfillment

It’s been a year since I learned how to say no, about 2 months since my son was born, and about 1 month since I’ve shared any of it with you all.

I’ve never maintained a blog before. It’s a lot of work and it consumes a lot of time. I’ve never been a dad before either. Also a lot of work and also requires time. So to be completely honest, I decided to say “no” to the blog for the last month… or from another perspective, I decided to say “yes” to Kelsey & “yes” to my son.

The world is the same as it was a year ago.. I realize mine doesn’t have to be. Be weary of what you say yes to. If you aren’t satisfied with yours.. say no to it tomorrow. Say no to it now.

Now that you know where I was a year ago, allow me to share where I am today! As I type this, I’m laying down, relaxing in our Airbnb in Seattle, Wa. Kelsey, Elliot, and I have been on the road for the last 7 days. So far we’ve explored Mt. Shasta, eaten Voodoo donuts in Portland, dipped our toes on the Oregon coast, and watched fish fly at Pikes Place Market.

Tomorrow we hit the road and drive down the coast for another 7 days. Elliot will be 2 months old by the time this trip is over. That’s pretty cool.

It’s exciting to think of where we’ll be a year from now. Hopefully headed down a new road with a pocket full of money and a tank full of gas.

I say yes to that.

Mt. Shasta

Portland, or

Short sands beach, or

Seattle, wa

The Weekly Roundup

A lot of firsts this week! Hope you all had a good one too! Here is this week’s highlight reel:

• First Smile!

• First “Shower”

• First Bath

• First Hike

Mack Truck Of Love?

There I was.. in the delivery room. Kelsey’s neck in one hand and her foot in the other.. all I can remember is the cheering.

You know in the movies, when they’re at the race track and horses are about to cross the finish line? That moment when everyone stands up and begins to yell out of suspense and excitement? That was it. That is what it felt like cheering her on as our son was introduced into this world.

I’d been warned, as I’m sure many have been, about the overwhelming sense of love that would overcome me as soon as I laid eyes on my child. How nothing else would matter and how my son would instantly be all I live for.

I was ready.. ready to be ran over and completely demolished by this mack truck of love so many described to me. “Just wait until you lay eyes on them.”, I kept thinking. Let’s do this, close my eyes.. take the wheel!

well.. That wasn’t the case for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply and extremely fond of Elliot and even now I feel a weight in my heart as I speak of him. I don’t know if that is love and that’s the truth. My emotions, as positive as they may be, elude my understanding.

It is made to seem like you’re bound to face this instant overwhelming emotion. A love greater than any you’ve felt before. One second you don’t, the next you do. That never sounded like me.. still doesn’t.

I cannot say I am in love with Elliot quite yet and I can’t help but feel guilty for saying that. I don’t know what will do it. Maybe men need a laugh or a smile, something in return to make that connection? Maybe it’s just me? I do know that I am not alone in my experience and hopefully I’m able to share that with you all someday. Please share it with me if it sounds like you too.

It may take some time to truly fall for him and I’m good with that. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong, it doesn’t mean I’m heartless, and I feel that is important to say out loud. Some things just take time. I’m looking forward to the journey that get’s me there.

Ignorance is bliss - Pt. 2

Slow down… smell the roses. I cannot stress that enough.

Earlier, in Ignorance Is Bliss - Pt. 1, I spoke about how not knowing the sex of our baby benefited me. I’d like to quickly share another side to this.. and that is how it benefited us.

Kelsey and I really had a blast throughout this pregnancy. Not knowing, which led to being present, allowed us to slow down and mold moments into memories. We intentionally pushed ourselves to experience together. It feels as if we’ve created more memories in these last 9 months than any 9 month chunk beforehand. It’s something I hope to continue as parents.

It’s wild.. how much one decision can affect an entire experience. You really don’t know how much you miss out on, until you make the time to take your time.

So whether you’re reading this on a phone or monitor, stop.. look around. I encourage you to be present. Be intentional with your time. What’s happening? Who is around you? What are they doing? Are you making memories? Or are you missing out? Please don’t.

I promise you won’t regret it.

Forest Falls // Ca

Palm Springs // Ca

Zion National Park // ut

Laguna Beach // Ca

San Bernardino National Forest // ca

Santa Barbara // ca

Sedona // Az

Elliot River

Words escape me today. All I can do is promise you this:

You will know & feel love, true love.. every day of your life. You will forever know good stories about yourself and the world around you. You will always be victor, never victim. You are my greatest achievement.

Take everything from me... please, take everything.

Born July 12, 2019 | 7lbs 3oz | 19.5” | 7:02PM.. not a second too soon. 

End Chapter 2... Chapter 3

Everyone always says how a child will change your world. Some even go as far as telling you that your life is over. It’s funny you know.. I’ve jumped out of planes, moved out of state on a whim, toured with a band from age 16, and ridden my Harley half way across the country. However, I’ve never had so many willing people come forward to warn me of impending doom until now.

What is it about becoming a parent that compels the masses to act this way? Could it really be that bad? There’s no way.. it can’t be. Is it the world that’s crazy or is it just me? I will say that receiving all this “feedback” has actually been pretty motivating. It makes me want to really dig deep, step up, and show the world that though it may have been your experience.. it doesn’t also have to be mine.

It did get me thinking though.. what do I value now that may have to take a backseat to my son or daughter? My free time? Easy. The freedom to come and go as I please? Okay. My relationship? Wow… that one hurts.

Yes, of course this experience will bond Kelsey and I more than any other. Yes, it will force us to work together more than ever before. Regardless, I have come to terms with this truth.. moving forward, as great as it may be, it will never again be what it is now.

A sense of heartache overcame me and I can’t help but feel like we are closing the door, or turning the page, on something with so much life left in it.

We’re lucky. We’ve been fortunate enough to do and experience so much together.. that first jump out of a plane, she jumped with me. That move to another state, I met her because of it. The Harley ride half way across the country.. she was on the back, arms out, knees in the breeze, smiles for miles..

This “truth” has been the only negative experience that I’ve had because of this pregnancy. I found myself questioning if we had made the right decision of starting a family? Did we choose the right time? Should we have seen more? Done more? Should I have given the question of, “why do I want to be a father?” more thought. It’s been so good.. why ruin a good thing.

If you’ve had the fortune of meeting Kelsey, you’ll know that she tends to keep to herself. Nothing is ever urgent, “things will figure themselves out”, she doesn’t like to make a scene, and she never wants to be the center of attention. To be honest, the combination of her personality and my “go get em’, make it impossible to be ignored” attitude has caused it’s fair share of hiccups in our relationship.

With that being said, everything I just mentioned began to change at our first doctor visit. We got through the exciting first ultrasound, found out we almost had twins (more on that later.. maybe), got to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and then were asked the usual, “any questions?”. To my surprise, there was Kelsey with a list of questions, using words I’d never heard, out there gettin’ em’ and making it impossible to be ignored. I was blown away by the person I saw sitting in that chair.

That’s when I knew we had made the right decision, we chose the right time. There is nothing left to see or anything left to do. That’s when I knew that this little 8 week old human definitely would change everything, that they’d end our lives as we know them, and that they’d succeed where I have failed. That has been the most positive experience I’ve had because of this pregnancy… watching a woman become a mother, unbelievable.

So, Chapter 2 is coming to an end… and it was so so good. This book called life just keeps on getting better and I am absolutely hooked. Cheers to discovering all the twists and turns waiting for us in Chapter 3… I cannot wait.

Ignorance is bliss - Pt. 1

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

That is by far the question I’ve been asked the most.

”I don’t know. We’re letting it be a surprise.”

I’ve had a lot of fun watching people’s mixed reactions to that answer. Some smile and nod their heads with a sense of pride and respect while the rest lose their minds over the thought of it.

“That’s really cool, good for you, that’s exciting!” or “Why? You’re crazy, I could never do that!” The responses are either hot or cold.. there is nothing in between.

Early on, Kelsey and I made the easy mutual decision not to know the sex of our baby. No one knows.. not our family, not our friends, not our doctor, nobody. Initially, we wanted to avoid falling into the trend of creating this huge gender reveal only to share it on social media with people we don’t really even know. Why does it matter so much anyway? The important thing is that we have created a new life. Let’s focus on that. Besides, we’ve never been the “hey look at us” couple and we had no intentions of starting now.

Going into this pregnancy, I didn’t know what to expect. As a man, I feel there is a level of disconnect throughout this process. Sure we can help pick things up, grab extra pillows, and hold her hair back but at the end of the day we’re only a bystander. With the baby’s sex topic out of the way, we were left with a blank slate wondering, “what now?”. There was nothing for me to do other than be present, so I have been.. I never expected to gain so much because of it.

What began as not knowing and being present has allowed me to remain disconnected (for the most part) from the stress, anxiety, and nervousness that is sometimes associated with becoming a new dad. Imagining a child running around this house doesn’t work for me unless I can attach “boy” or “girl” to it, so I don’t really think about that either. Most importantly, it’s allowed me to consider the core values I wish to adopt as a father, without smearing them with my preconceived notions of what cultivating a girl or boy would be like. It’s allowed me to remain open, to discover, and absorb the ambitions and ideals I hope to achieve. I’ve tried to break my thoughts down to bare bones.. and here they are.

- Boy or Girl -

Love them. Partner with them in order to create good stories about themselves and the world around them. Allow them to be who they need to be. Expose them to as much as you have the power of doing. Help them manifest their passion(s). Invest everything.

Fatherhood

Kelsey has been pregnant for 38 and one half weeks now.

As I analyze where I stand and how I feel entering this new role, I am confronted with both relief and uncertainty. On the one hand, I’m reaping the rewards of the lessons and opportunities I’ve taken advantage of, while on the other, I’m fearing the unknown consequences of those I’ve rejected.

I’m excited to encourage and invest in whatever passions my child manifests in their life.. I’m also constantly searching for the courage to invest in my own. I want to equip my little one with all the gear they will need to climb the mountains they encounter.. and at the same time am finding my own way to a glimpse above the clouds. I look forward to teaching and sharing all that I am.. while also questioning whether or not I will be enough.

To this day I don’t believe the full magnitude of what’s to come has really hit me and I am undecided on whether or not that is a good thing. There have been few situations in life that have highlighted my greatest strengths and weaknesses as well as this one has… and we haven’t even begun.

Overall, I am present and I am proud of the investment I have made in myself, in my relationships, in my finances, and in my growth. I feel mentally and emotionally prepared for what’s to come. I will be strong, I will be steady, and when that moment comes, I will be ready to enter into fatherhood.